Let’s Make Up A Rivalry For Cincinnati Just Like UConn Did!

It’s not often we follow in the footsteps of the UConn Huskies. That is, unless we’re talking about their women’s basketball team. Maybe then. Maybe. Also, probably their men’s team.

But that’s where we draw the line!

When it comes to football? Not a chance. But I’m making an exception here because what Bob Diaco tried to pull off is the perfect combination of ballsy and ridiculously hilarious.

But there was one little problem. UCF had no clue UConn was creating a trophy.

If there’s a bigger act of UConning than this, I don’t know what it might be. Still, I’ve become inspired by UConn’s UConness and in the spirit of making up rivalry games I’ve done the same for the Cincinnati Bearcats. Now that the Keg of Nails is collecting dust in a Louisville frat house somewhere and all we have left is the Battle for the Victory Bell, this seems appropriate.

Feel free to pass this along to Mike Bohn and let me know his feedback. I’m sure he’ll be so excited!

Cincinnati v. South Florida: The Andy Dick Trophy

Because these games are always unpredictable, frustrating, and ultimately insufferable. If it’s not B.J. Daniels going all Superman on the Bearcats, it’s UC fumbling an end around and providing South Florida with one of their two wins on the season. They were about as annoying events as humanly watchable, not unlike anything Andy Dick’s brought into this world.

Cincinnati v. Ohio State: The Move Nippert To The Heart Of Times Square Trophy

Because the only way this game is ever played at Nippert Stadium is if UC up and transplanted it to New York City and placed it in the middle of Times Square. Beers are only $27.50 a piece and are served in an ornamental miniature glass vase, folks!

Cincinnati v. East Carolina: The West Virginia Trophy

Because Mike Aresco was groveling at ECU’s doorstep as soon as Oliver Luck and the Mountaineers bolted for the Big 12. They were the most logical replacement to create a smooth transition from Appalachian mountain rednecks to North Carolina boonies rednecks. I’m picturing something in the neighborhood of a burning or charred couch on top of a pedestal of crushed Nati cans with this trophy.

Cincinnati v. West Virginia: The East Carolina Trophy

I’m confused.

Cincinnati v. Central Florida: The Hands Tied With Duct Tape Back-To-Back To Chairs Trophy

Because we’re stuck together in this Group of 5 fiasco for the the foreseeable future no matter how much money we throw at athletics or stadiums we renovate. It’s sort of like this.

Cincinnati v. UConn: The Let’s Combine Our Teams To Make One Big Super School Trophy

Between UC’s football and track and field programs and UConn’s men’s and women’s basketball programs, the Husky-Cats have the makings of a Power 5 school. So why not end this silly song and dance and dream about putting those teams under the same roof? It makes way too much sense in Fantasyland.

Cincinnati v. Nebraska: The Hey We’re Playing With Each Other Now! Trophy

The exclamation point is an absolutely necessity. In the span of the last two years UC and Nebraska have made deals to play in five games between football and basketball. This after seeing each on the football field just once since 1906 and four times on the hardwood. So now apparently we have a rivalry with the Cornhuskers now and it’s worthy of a trophy. Maybe we can replace the spot where the Keg of Nails should be with this one.

That’s all I’ve got. Do you have any others?