Bye Bye Bearcats Seniors: #16 Michael Colosimo

We’re taking a step back in our farewell tour to Cincinnati’s graduating seniors. My neurotic need for everything to be just so and has forced me to write these in sequential order of each player’s jersey number, Jeff Luc (#1), Howard Wilder (#3), and so on.

So it pained me to learn that I omitted quarterback Michael Colosimo (#16) from the list after I had already sent off Nick Temple (#43) yesterday. Yea, sort of a major oversight.

But I swear I’m not fully to blame. When I put my reference list together I was going off of the official roster on the GoBearcats website. Whoever put it together for last season marked Colosimo as a junior, so when I sorted by seniors then copied the names, he obviously wasn’t on it. Also, there’s like this glare coming off my computer screen that makes it really hard to read website sometimes. See? Not 100% percent my fault.

So to correct this massive blunder I’m going to give the deep, deep back story on Colosimo. Far more so than I’ve ever done before in this history of this blog. It’s gonna be biblical.

Michael Colosimo’s bloodline dates back to the Caesars of Ancient Rome. While his descendants weren’t emperors or rulers, they were massively involved in the expansion of the empire throughout Europe. The first known Colosimo was Viscius Colosimo, who was a Decurion in one of Caesar Augustus’ cavalry units during their conquest of Spain. Viscius is said to have saved hoards of his soldiers along with innocent women and children from barbarians, fires, and even a beaver. The legionnaire skyrocketed up the ranks in the Roman army and his name echoed throughout camps as far as Greece and Turkey.

Tragically Viscius was struck down by the most unexpected of sources, the love of a young woman… who wound stabbed him with a dagger while he was sleeping. So goes it, sometimes.

The Colosimo name lived on, though. It’s said that Viscius gave life to upwards of a hundred children by way of several women throughout his campaign in Spain, which may or may not have led to his stabbing in the first place. These families eventually spread throughout North Africa and Western Europe.

As it happens, these families were very much able to survive the Dark Ages following the fall of the Roman Empire.

Since there was a Colosimo in every town in Europe, North Africa, and Western Asia at this point, the name couldn’t be completely wiped out by the Bubonic plague. As a result, it carried on through the eras of the Popes, letters on church doors, the Renaissance and boring crap like that.

But it was the time of Napoleonic France where things got juicy again.

Raphael Colosimo, Michael’s great great great great great great whatever grandfather, was born a peasant in the countryside outside of Paris and consumed a healthy diet of goat milk and what is it the French eat? Snails? Gross.

But apparently rich in protein, as Raphael grew to be well over 7 feet tall by the time the French revolution hit in the late 1700’s and most importantly the Napoleonic Wars in the early 18th century. Raphael was commissioned as one of Napoleon Bonaparte’s right hand men, mainly due to his size which the dictator gawked over.

He was with the French emperor through every step of his Risk-style European conquest, as Raphael’s sheer height, monstrous even now but unheard of then, forced several kings and oligarchs to surrender to Bonaparte without even firing a shot. But when France did meet with armed resistance, the tower of man proved his worth as well.

During a battle with Prussia, who annoyed the French like a mosquito to sweaty neck, Raphael managed to catch a bullet with his bear-sized first from Prussian king Frederick William III himself. Yea, that Frederick William III. I know.

The king was so terrified that he reportedly dropped his musket on the spot, made an about-face, and fled the battle field with his baggage train hundreds of yards behind scrambling to catch up. It was a shining moment in the Colosimo family history.

By the time the Civil War came around the Colosimo’s had made their way comfortably to the United States, settling across the Eastern half of the country and particularly Cincinnati, Ohio. Over the course of the next several American wars, members did Michael’s family’s name more than proud.

A Micah Colosimo hid 130 freed slaves at one time in his Cincinnati home. A John Colosimo during World War I actually knocked out an enemy Mark IV tank with the butt of his rifle. A Cedric Colosimo in World War II was the only US sniper to ever have a clear shot at Adolf Hitler but wound up killing a bird that flew in the path of his bullet. A Harrison Colosimo during the Vietnam War set up the first McDonald’s in Ho Chi Minh City.

Just years and years of history with this family!

And then we get to Michael Colosimo at the University of Cincinnati, who came to the football program by way of Beechwood High School in Fort Mitchell, Kentucky. The quarterback threw for 1,885 yards and 18 touchdowns as a senior for the Tigers but wound up walking on at UC. Colosimo got a little run as a junior when the Bearcats were curb stomping Northwestern State, completing a pair of passes for 10 yards.

His senior year was his time to shine, though.

While Colosimo again saw the field during blowout wins over Tulane and UConn, it probably surprised even the senior walk on that he would attempt to carry the Bearcats to victory in their bowl game. With Gunner Kiel knocked out in the first quarter against Virginia Tech, Jared Evans all suspended, and Munchie Legaux on the mend, the lofty responsibility fell on the shoulders of #16.

But much like his ancestors, Viscius against the Spanish barbarians, Raphael against the Prussians, Micah against the slave trappers, John against the German tank, Cedric against Hitler, and Harrison against low quality meals at unaffordable prices, Michael embraced the adversity.

Even he would probably admit that his first few passes were shaky. One skipped across the turf and he airmailed another. But when Colosimo found a rhythm, he proved what kind of a talented signal call he is.

With the Bearcats down 20 late in the fourth quarter and clinging to hope of pulling out a miraculous comeback, the walk on quarterback pumped life back into the team and fans. Upon snapping the ball on first and 10, Colosimo immediately noticed receiver Chris Moore had a step on his coverage down the right sidelines. And the quarterback found him with a perfectly thrown ball, leading the Moore into the end zone.

It was the highlight of Colosimo’s career at Cincinnati and will surely inspire his future kin during their space battles with the alien lobster hoards.