Amidst Pressure From Lunatic Fans, UC Joining MAC

If you ever grew up as a bratty toddler, you know that no matter how many pieces of broccoli you hurl to the floor and tantrums you throw in grocery shopping carts, eventually you’ll get your way. Eventually, your parents’ headaches will overtake them and they’ll give in to your demands. You will have that candy bar or go play your Nintendo 3DS without finishing your dinner.

You systematically drove your parents to divorce by way of your screeches, you son of a bitch. They’ll denounce the notion of “love” but thank goodness you finally got that Kit-Kat!

The same goes for the corner of the UC fan base who have been clamoring for Cincinnati to throw in the towel, the one they’ve been waving for Big 12 or ACC admittance for almost half a decade now.

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And by golly, UC’s heard your demands, overgrown, screaming toddler. They’ve given up all hope. They’re heading to the Mid-American Conference.

UC AD Mike Bohn was available for comment on the breaking news. “Every time I check my Twitter mentions, I’m getting ‘AAC is garbage’ and ‘UC is MAC level now, why don’t you just give up?!’”.

But the tantrums don’t stop in the digital realm, they get much worse.

“When my family leaves their house, they run into at least a dozen protestors who harass them as they head to school. It’s become a hostile environment that I can’t put them through anymore. For my sake, for my family’s sake, I’ve advised the UC Board of Trustees to end this insanity and appease those fans.”

The BOT will vote on the move on Friday and are expected to make a unanimous decision in favor of transitioning to the MAC.

As far as the financials go, Cincinnati will save some money by parting ways with head football coach Tommy Tuberville and basketball coach Mick Cronin. With combined salaries upwards of $5 million a year, along with several more million reserved for assistants, UC is expected to make significant gains on the bottom line by no longer paying top dollar for top coaches.

Ex-Bengals offensive coordinator Bob Bratkowski headlines Mike Bohn’s list for the soon-to-be vacant head football coaching position and is expected to visit Clifton next week. UC will also reach out to former West Virginia head coach Bill Stewart if Bratkowski is unable to find the Lindner Center.

On the basketball side, former Rutgers head coach and walking pile of radioactive waste Mike Rice has already been given a contract worth roughly $220,000 per year and is expected to sign by the end of today.

It’s anyone’s guess as to how the Bearcats will fare in the MAC. Cincinnati’s won nine straight over Miami (OH) but are just 1-1 against Toledo in the last few years. Regardless of the success or failure in their new conference, UC will certainly have the nicest empty stadium out of any team in the MAC.

The above post is 100% joking in nature as a part of Cincy on the Prowl’s April Fools Day series. All news, quotes, and some people are completely fictitious. April fools, everyone!